I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
