So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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