Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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