No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
