im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
