Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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