It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
