We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
