He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
