I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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