My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
