p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
