Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
