Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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