I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
