Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I need to align my fucking chakras
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