did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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