There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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