Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
