you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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