I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
