You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
