Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
