i think my tv is drunk
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
