as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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