i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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