youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
