just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
