I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
