Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
