You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
