Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
