White coat. Heels.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
