He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
