I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
