My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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