My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You made out with two different species that night
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
