I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
