she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
