New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
