I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
