I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
