Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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