Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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