All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
