No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
