There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
