The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
