I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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