I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
